I’ve sat down to write this out several times now. Each time I think that maybe I don’t have it in me yet. It’s not that horrible but I’m exhausted. I’ll give it a try.

Tuesday night Rick noticed that his stomach was bothering him a bit. He woke up Wednesday with pain still there, rather localized. He thought of it as just a flare; maybe something was stuck or moving through him slowly. It was uncomfortable to stand up straight. Thursday morning it was still there, but worse. The pain has moved just a bit. Stomach was distended, he was moving more gingerly. I suggested that he stay home and we go to the walk-in clinic at Lake Serene. He drug his feet and said he might as well go in and check on things and try to take care of anything that may have arisen since Wednesday.
Fine, okay, well I thought he should call his mom and ask her opinion; she’s an RN and is usually our first call when something seems off with health related things. I hopped right in the shower after he left for work. Planning my day, as I did, needed to find his sweat pants incase my bad feeling is right and it was appendicitis. I could feel the tight feeling settle in my chest, like it always did when there was something wrong with Rick.
Getting on the computer I saw that he was idle on Google chat. He didn’t answer his phone or the text I sent him. To keep from screaming I tidied up the apartment. He finally called me later and I asked if he had talked to his mom. No. But he would. He called me after he talked to her. She thought it was appendicitis. Rick was going to talk to his boss and let him know what was going on and then he should be home. I wanted to cry so I cleaned the kitchen.
When he came home we got ready for the possibility that he’d have to stay at the hospital for some time. We went to the walk-in clinic and waited for close to an hour. Those of you whom have waited for any kind of unpleasant doctors appointment know how agonizing it can be. Rick was fine. He was chill as I say. I felt like I was vibrating with stress. Eventually though we got in to see someone. She had the same thoughts and wanted to check his white blood cell count. It turned out to be on the high end of “normal” and there was a high level “baby” white blood cells, meaning a budding bacterial infection. She said she was going to send him to get a CT scan. That sent us up to Providence Pacific campus. After some confusion and hearing kids crying in the hall ways I was close to tears and Rick was feeling a little worse. He had to drink some contrast liquid so that when they did the scan they could see things more clearly. It smelled like Tums, he drank it all while wining and making funny faces. That cheered me up, making me forget that this could end in abdominal surgery. His mom came in and hung out while we waited an hour and a half until he could have his CT. Things lightened up. It was funny watching Rick drink the contrast. He said it was so nasty. I tried it, tiny sip, not bad, weird texture though.
When they finally came to get him, he walked out with his warming blanket and we sat quietly. It seemed like he was gone forever. Not because I can’t talk to her. I love her. She is awesome. I was just nervous, worried that there would be something worse, that they would have to rush him away. He came back and we continued to sit for a long time. It seemed like forever. We had to wait for the CT scan to be read and for his doctors to decide what to do. When the phone in the office rang it was for Rick. He listened as they explained what it was. He looked happy. It wasn’t appendicitis after all. He had Mom talk to the doctor. She explained that his appendix was fine. However, his whole colon was inflamed. According to them he had pan colitis not left side colitis as we thought. So he was misdiagnosed. It was worse than we thought. He had said a week or so ago that he felt like he was getting better. Did this mean that he was worse than we thought? My head was reeling. Rick was very happy that he didn’t need to have surgery. I was as well. His mom and I were confused though. The doctor mentioned that they would give him another prescription for Predisone. Wait! That is an immunosuppressant. The clinic said that he had a bacterial infection; if you suppress his immune system then the bacterial infection will run rampant.
Well, he knows there could be complications so Rick won’t start taking anything anytime soon without knowing exactly what he has and when it is safe.

After we came home I totally lost it. I was trying to make dinner, but I was exhausted and just wanted to crawl into bed. Crying for a while, Rick cheered me up. He’s the one with the problem, doesn’t that mean that I should do the cheering? It isn’t the end of the world. I’m still angry that he may have been misdiagnosed, that maybe his doctors haven’t taken it seriously. When he had his colonoscopy Rick remembers his doctor saying he didn’t finish going all the way through the colon, so there may have been something wrong beyond what the camera saw.
Really it isn’t that horrible, nothing is threatening to explode. He is feeling better today. He is considering going to see a naturopathic doctor, which makes me happy. Over the last few months he has been doing more things out with me, instead of just staying home and refusing to do anything. He might just have to take some more pills. We aren’t sure, but today doesn’t seem as dark and dreary as yesterday was.

I was busy today even though I didn’t have any work yet again. Got up, went to get an adjustment so I don’t have more headaches before the weekend. Went home, cleaned the carpet again. Oh yes again. It’s a struggle to bring it back from dingy. I’ve been down on hands and knees scrubbing at the little stains. There are fewer now. The carpet doesn’t smell like dog anymore. It did when we moved in, then Xiann added her little doggy smell to it. Eww. I have the cure now! Yes I do. I don’t know why it isn’t advertised. Vinegar, warm water, a teaspoon of borax, and a couple of drops of dish soap are my magic weapons.
This makes me hate carpet. I know about all the things that sit in your carpet and you breathe in or sit on. Very disturbing. It’s an easy choice for apartment complexes though, easier to change a carpet than a wood floor. That’s what I’ll have someday, wood flooring, tile in kitchen and bathroom. Yeah, that will be awesome. For not though, I shall fight the good fight to keep our carpet clean.
Anyway, I took Rick lunch. I do every day unless I have a massage. We just sit in the car and eat. Today I turned on the heater; it was cool, almost cold. We sat with windows rolled up, Jack Johnson on in the background, chatting about his work. He’s been working toward a raise for months now. Due to disorganization of his superiors he has been denied. Can it all be blamed on them? Yes actually, it became a case of the left hand not speaking to the right hand so no one knew what was going on. End result being that Rick received nothing. Oh well.
After lunch I went shopping for needs, laundry detergent, borax and t.p. Good heavens, I have the worst timing ever. Target was packed with back to school shoppers of all ages. Today I took it all in stride. I pushed my cart and felt like I was the only person in the store. It was great.
I also fought another battle in the war with the fleas. For a couple of weeks it’s been flea free and then some more eggs hatched. Well today also became bath day for Xiann. Oh how she hates bathes. She doesn’t try to flail about anymore. She hates being dried off but as soon as she is loose she tears around the apartment. She’s pretty and clean now.
I didn’t feel guilty about not working either. There isn’t much I can do right now. Might as well be productive and enjoy myself. Gives me more time to put into my home and my babies. More time to unwind from overworking myself.

Today officially felt like fall. I woke up too early for my Tuesday morning meeting. It looked cool but the last few times that it’s looked cool it has not been. I walked out the door underdressed for the first time all summer. Usually I’ve ended up being too over dressed because it looked cold outside, overcast, clouds hovering just above my shoulder level. It was nippy out this morning though.
Talking to Rick made me realize that winter isn’t such a bad thing, just another step. If it really was winter than Rick would have only one quarter left in school and we would be that much closer to being up north. That much closer to me having a decent sized porch, so I can drink tea when it rains and read a new book.
I am itching to move. I feel too rooted here. I’m tired, very tired of everything. I felt like I was living a lie. I know I am moving but can’t tell anyone about it yet. There is the possibility that something will change between now and then. I don’t think so though; I think we’ll be gone in nine months. For now I have to keep a secret. Can only handle so many secrets.
So I will sit here and drink my tea in doors, near my window and dream of a fall in my own house. Hopefully our secret won’t leak to the wrong people.