Sometime within the last month I had my first “vegetarian moment”. That night I had made two turkey breasts for us. Because we have no kitchen or dining room table we ate on the couch. We were watching TV of course. I had taken one blissful bite, it wasn’t dry at al, very flavorfull. I have become quite a fan of turkey recently. It’s cheaper than most red meats, not as heavy and is truly nutritious. Well, I went to cut off another piece when right in the line of sight, lining up exactly with my piece of turkey was Xiann my sweet doggie. I looked at her and looked at my turkey and back at her. My mind went straight to this: she has the same things as this turkey did, I could never eat her or any dog. I was almost nauseated. I finished my veggies and took my hardly touched turkey to the kitchen. Couldn’t eat it.
A quirk on a bad day is what I thought so I went on, eating healthy as I pleased, everything cooked from scratch of course. A couple of weeks later the same thing happened over steak this time. Rick was not disappointed at all. He had more to eat because I couldn’t. I was however rather upset. It seemed that I was no longer able to eat meat. Okay fine, decided to not eat meat. So the next time I was at the store I got Rick a steak and me salmon. It sounded awesome. It had been some time since I wanted fish, had been turned off it for a while. This does happen with foods some times. We sat down and had dinner while the TV was on again as is our habit. I may have had three bites of the salmon when I noticed the way it separated. I saw it as muscle not food. I saw it as a grey colored salmon with dark empty eyes flopping around dying on a boat floor or a river beach. Couldn’t finish it. Two nights in a row I went to bed hungry.
Now, to be honest, I am really quite surprised that Rick and I are not vegetarians. Neither of us find it easy to step on an ant or a pill bug. Rick explains his view, it’s out of sight out of mind. I think he blocks his thoughts from going down that road. I grew up on a farm of sorts. I am very familiar with the whole circle of life, the science part of it, how we have incisors for a reason. I know that there are some nutrients that are found primarily in meats, whole proteins for instance, that take some more work to get without meat.
If chickens ruled the world I can’t say I would begrudge them doing as we have done. Raising a live creature only to kill it and eat it. Though they would probably just genetically alter beetles and worms rather than eating humans. I also was a vegan for a short time in high school as an experiment. It didn’t last because frankly I didn’t believe in it and really loved cheese. Still do, it’s a staple around here. Why after all this time of eating without thought do I suddenly get assaulted with horrible thoughts and guilty feelings? Shopping mostly at Central Market where their meats are better quality and not from questionable sources helps me feel a little better. No hormones or cruelty. I buy organic when I can.
I was incredibly frustrated when I realized what was going on. I don’t need this right now. I can barely summon the energy to cook most if not all of our foods from scratch. I cook every day for almost every meal. It really sucks some times. Takes a ton of time out of my day. The last thing I need is to create more work for myself. That is what giving into my vegetarian moments would cause.
Since then I can’t say I’ve had a lot of meat. I have had chicken and one piece of bacon and eggs. The eggs come from my parents’ house. Those are some very spoiled and free-range chickens. Not feeling guilty about that. To be honest though, I don’t really like eggs. We have them a lot because one of Rick’s favorite meals is breakfast for dinner: Eggs and bacon and sausage and fruit. Had eggs for dinner yesterday because I wasn’t going to have steak. I could barely choke them down. If it weren’t for the cheddar cheese I would have given up. To be very honest I’m a bit concerned about my nutrition. I haven’t been eating like normal. Need to eat to feed my brain. I do have a business to run after all. I’m barely keeping up with every thing I have to do. It would be very bad to rob my body of what little energy I have left.
What I’ve done since is eat a lot of rice and beans and cheese. I’m going to try to eat chicken every couple of days. Try fish again. I hate the idea of making food so unpleasant to eat or deal with. It’s strange. It is sad and ridiculous that for body I have to go against what my mind is telling me.
